A young woman has revealed the dark realities of her struggle with bulimia, including an ex-boyfriend who told her that he thought her eating disorder was a turn-on.
Anonymous tells xoJane that the first time she made herself vomit was at school, after she accidentally ate red meat following a vow to become vegetarian.
‘I went pale and broke into a cold sweat. I felt nauseous. After a protracted mental tug-of-war, I decided I’d have to vomit up the offending “steak”,’ she wrote.
Painful struggle: An anonymous woman has posted a heartbreaking and honest account of her struggle with bulimia
‘The “steak” was barely digested and came up in hot, thick chunks that burned my throat and nostrils. I did this until I was satisfied that all offending meat had been purged from my body.’
She felt shame, but also a sense of accomplishment. Fed up with being the ‘chunky’ friend of her slimmer social group and with a father who told her that she should be thinner like her beautiful mom or that eating a pizza would make her ‘turn into a fatty’, Anonymous began purging two or three times per week at dinner.
‘My own father didn’t think I was thin enough to be the daughter he thought he deserved,’ she confessed. ‘I cried myself to sleep.’
Obsessively counting calories, weighing herself and binging on junk food only to throw it up later soon became a secret daily ritual, which led to four times per day.
She soon began losing weight, and friends commented on how great she looked. At age 19, she met her boyfriend ‘John’ at a party and began dating him. But she shared that once they became a couple, it got harder to hide her disorder.
So she sat him down and told him that she was bulimic, but wanted to get therapy and hoped that he would be part of her recovery. But his reaction shocked her: ‘I am so turned on right now. Will you throw up on me?’
Anonymous was stunned, and knew that continuing to throw up was putting her health in jeopardy.
‘If I didn’t stop now, I’d be staring down the maw of some serious consequences. Tooth decay, esophageal erosion, and other problems were imminent, and some had already begun to manifest,’ she wrote.
‘It all seemed meaningless to him when he had the opportunity to fulfill his twisted fantasy.’
Emetophilia is an uncommon fetish that involves vomiting or observing others vomit. The practice has become increasingly popular in Internet pornography and is often associated with vigorous oral sex, deep-throating or erotic degradation.
Her ex’s fantasy is one of the topics explored in the documentary Hot Girls Wanted, which was produced by Rashida Jones and shows the gritty realities faced by girls hoping to break into the ‘amateur’ professional porn industry.
But she confessed that common sense came second to her overwhelming need to be accepted by someone, and was swayed by the fact that ‘John wanted me exactly the way I was.’
Over the next few weeks, she worked up to vomiting in front of him after meals, and eventually graduated to purging while going down on him.
He seemed pleased, but then said: ‘That was great, but can you do it in my mouth next time?’
The relationship lasted only a few more months, totaling a year and a half.
Eventually, Anonymous was able to get onto the road to recovery. She came clean to her parents, went to therapy, and re-learned how she thought about food.
Eventually, she says that she was even able to ditch the scale.’To this day I refuse to keep a scale in the house. My current weight? It doesn’t matter,’ she wrote.’I am not a number. I am me.’